Anxious

It’s fight week and I haven’t been this excited and nervous before in my life! I’m anxious to get there and watch my first fight night!

I’m getting better at the confidence thing. I always try partnering with people who I know are nice. I’ve been rejected a few times and it didn’t make me feel to bad. I want to try the 7 o’clock class tomorrow but I’m a bit nervous about it. Since it’s fight week, I might just be killed if I am partnered with one of the fighters which, which Connie later said I would never be paired with any of the fighters during fight week. I asked a guy that is nice to me if he would partner with me if I did do the second class because I still get nervous around people I haven’t talked to yet. He said he was going to push my boundaries and say no, to ask two others first before asking him. I admit, at first, my PTSD mind was instantly like, “Oh God, I’ve done pissed off and annoyed someone in Team Roc! What do I do now?!”

My instant reaction… Apologize and think of the worst possible outcome. But I stopped, read it again and realized he was actually trying to encourage me to talk to others more. At least, that’s what it sounded like. (Just in case, I’m going to lay off trying to get to know everyone for a while so I don’t come off as annoying.) So I felt a little better the second time reading what was said. (I never read everything a second time when things like this happened before because I am used to assholes and it just made me panic reading messages of any sort of rejection.) I felt determined after this. I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit more this morning and talked to one of the other guys that always seemed extremely intimidating to me. He was actually really nice! Talking to people is getting easier the more I do it. So I am going to keep jumping out of my comfort zone when I start feeling anxiety or depression trying to creep in. Being rejected as a partner in kickboxing isn’t so bad anymore. When all else fails, just use a bag and try not to feel like you are annoying to everyone.

My cousin had her Disney wedding this past Saturday and I managed to talk to people there as well. I was mentally exhausted (but in a good way) before it was over. It was such a beautiful wedding and an incredible Disney experience I have never had before. She came in on a carriage pulled by horses in a grand Cinderella entrance. The first dance she had with her husband was to ‘Tale As Old As Time’ and they reenacted everything from the movie, including the dance from the live action movie.

This family loves Disney as much as we love mermaids and zombies so the Disney theme was greatly noticeable. She deserves her happily ever after and I wish her the best. I hope to go to Disney World with her one year. They go at least six times a year and have passes for such. It’s like home to them. There were so many pictures taken from the wedding but I will only post this one because it was perfect.