I honestly have no words for how amazing this past weekend was. Being with Team Roc at Spartyka was an eye opening experience and I definitely am not the same person I was before I went down there. Just that one night made me feel stronger and more confident in myself. I no longer feel caged in negativity and I will fight to stay in this stay of mind.
The next day, we went to the ocean. I was excited and jumped in with my clothes on. Swimming with clothes on at the spur of the moment was the most amazing thing I have ever done! I felt free lol of course, I dried off and changed into dry clothes.
It’s fight week and I haven’t been this excited and nervous before in my life! I’m anxious to get there and watch my first fight night!
Omg, I’m nervous!
I’m getting better at the confidence thing. I always try partnering with people who I know are nice. I’ve been rejected a few times and it didn’t make me feel to bad. I want to try the 7 o’clock class tomorrow but I’m a bit nervous about it. Since it’s fight week, I might just be killed if I am partnered with one of the fighters which, which Connie later said I would never be paired with any of the fighters during fight week. I asked a guy that is nice to me if he would partner with me if I did do the second class because I still get nervous around people I haven’t talked to yet. He said he was going to push my boundaries and say no, to ask two others first before asking him. I admit, at first, my PTSD mind was instantly like, “Oh God, I’ve done pissed off and annoyed someone in Team Roc! What do I do now?!”
Oh crap, I can’t go back now… Wait…
My instant reaction… Apologize and think of the worst possible outcome. But I stopped, read it again and realized he was actually trying to encourage me to talk to others more. At least, that’s what it sounded like. (Just in case, I’m going to lay off trying to get to know everyone for a while so I don’t come off as annoying.) So I felt a little better the second time reading what was said. (I never read everything a second time when things like this happened before because I am used to assholes and it just made me panic reading messages of any sort of rejection.) I felt determined after this. I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit more this morning and talked to one of the other guys that always seemed extremely intimidating to me. He was actually really nice! Talking to people is getting easier the more I do it. So I am going to keep jumping out of my comfort zone when I start feeling anxiety or depression trying to creep in. Being rejected as a partner in kickboxing isn’t so bad anymore. When all else fails, just use a bag and try not to feel like you are annoying to everyone.
Just don’t listen to the negativity inside. Smile and keep going.
My cousin had her Disney wedding this past Saturday and I managed to talk to people there as well. I was mentally exhausted (but in a good way) before it was over. It was such a beautiful wedding and an incredible Disney experience I have never had before. She came in on a carriage pulled by horses in a grand Cinderella entrance. The first dance she had with her husband was to ‘Tale As Old As Time’ and they reenacted everything from the movie, including the dance from the live action movie.
They even did this before dancing and it was perfect.
This family loves Disney as much as we love mermaids and zombies so the Disney theme was greatly noticeable. She deserves her happily ever after and I wish her the best. I hope to go to Disney World with her one year. They go at least six times a year and have passes for such. It’s like home to them. There were so many pictures taken from the wedding but I will only post this one because it was perfect.
Progress is slow but I’m trying my best. I’m throwing myself out of my comfort zone to try and talk to people more but right now… I feel like I’m just that annoying chic everyone wants to avoid. Maybe I’m trying to hard. I’m better at talking to people on messengers than I am in person. I always avoid eye contact because people make me nervous. Tomorrow, I’m going to try partnering with someone new. Maybe I won’t be the annoying nervous person that talks too much when I’m throwing punches.
On a happy note, Sage got to meet Team Roc yesterday and got lots of cuddles! She was so happy!
She was excited to meet everyone but couldn’t stay long because it’s humid in there. She was all tuckered out from the excitement when we got home. She laid down on the pillow and instantly fell asleep under her lights.
I managed to talk to more people in kickboxing today! I did have a moment when I looked in the mirror there when I felt disgusted at how I look but I forced it away because I’m tired of feeling so negative all the time. So I’m trying hard to make more friends in there and so far… Everyone seems to at least tolerate me! Connie mentions sometimes that people say good things about me at random so that means they don’t hate me at least!
Trying to lose weight is hard but I’m trying my best. I didn’t do so good today in class because it was so hot and I kept feeling sluggish then had to leave early for other reasons. I’m going to try and partner with more people next week to try and get to know them. They are starting to feel like more than a support group, like a family. It’s a good feeling. I hope I don’t come off as weird if I ask to partner with people at random before class. Connie, whenever I partner with her, (and Sari too) talks to me while we throw punches and such but not everyone else seems to like to talk during. Maybe I just talk a lot?
I’m happy to be with someone who I can talk to. I now know even if we don’t work out then I will still have a friend. Faith in humanity is being restored and progress is being made with my confidence. In kickboxing, I talked to two people I hadn’t actually spoken to yet and managed to hold a conversation with them! I’m really happy right now.
Today, I learned that… After ten years of swimming in a mermaid tail, I completely forgot how to swim as a human without it. I jump in and my legs automatically go together. I got water up my nose more times today than I could count… Not cool! It hurt! But I managed to go to a public pool in a bikini. Thank God no one else was there but I managed to do it even though I grossed myself out wearing it. But I still did it without getting depressed! Progress!
I’ve always had issues with having low self-esteem ever since I can remember. I have never thought of myself as ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’ and a lot of people get mad because of it. Now, before you even start… No, I am not looking for attention. I am just stating a fact. But I am trying to become more confident in myself. Which is really hard when you always think of yourself as a plain round potato rolling around in a world of pretty people.
My kickboxing teacher and my close friends and family have so much confidence in me and I’m trying not to disappoint them. I’ve asked Connie and my friend Sari to push me harder in kickboxing so I can start seeing results. So far, I don’t really notice a change in me. Others that do the evening class with me, though… They claim they see much more of an improvement. Apparently, I just can’t see it yet. Right now, I feel like I am the slowest person in the class. Sometimes I get this strong determination in me and force myself to keep going even when my body is begging me to stop and drop dead on the mat. After partnering with Connie, I usually pass out on the bed from exhaustion as soon as I get home. Hopefully my body gets used to it.
I hope to start making more friends in the gym soon but right now, I’m still too afraid to approach the people I haven’t talked to yet. Connie says they all believe in me just as she does but I still get nervous when around everyone. At least I know they aren’t looking at me like I used to think when I first started back. A few years ago I started kickboxing for a while then dropped out when I got depressed
It took a while but I managed to get back into it and I have told Connie and Sari to not let me drop out ever again, no matter how depressed I get. For the longest time since I started again in January, I thought it was just Mondays and Wednesdays in the morning and at night. I found out it was in the evening on Mondays through Thursdays. When I started the night classes, I often feel left out when I get stuck without a partner. I managed to suck it up though. I just end up looking at everyone around me obsessively to make sure I’m doing everything right. Everyone in there looks amazing and I want to look amazing tooooo!
So… I made this blog to keep up with that and everything else that makes me happy because I’m tired of being depressed.
The Mermaid Seachelle 