Self Confidence

I’ve always had issues with having low self-esteem ever since I can remember. I have never thought of myself as ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’ and a lot of people get mad because of it. Now, before you even start… No, I am not looking for attention. I am just stating a fact. But I am trying to become more confident in myself. Which is really hard when you always think of yourself as a plain round potato rolling around in a world of pretty people.

My kickboxing teacher and my close friends and family have so much confidence in me and I’m trying not to disappoint them. I’ve asked Connie and my friend Sari to push me harder in kickboxing so I can start seeing results. So far, I don’t really notice a change in me. Others that do the evening class with me, though… They claim they see much more of an improvement. Apparently, I just can’t see it yet. Right now, I feel like I am the slowest person in the class. Sometimes I get this strong determination in me and force myself to keep going even when my body is begging me to stop and drop dead on the mat. After partnering with Connie, I usually pass out on the bed from exhaustion as soon as I get home. Hopefully my body gets used to it.

I hope to start making more friends in the gym soon but right now, I’m still too afraid to approach the people I haven’t talked to yet. Connie says they all believe in me just as she does but I still get nervous when around everyone. At least I know they aren’t looking at me like I used to think when I first started back. A few years ago I started kickboxing for a while then dropped out when I got depressed

It took a while but I managed to get back into it and I have told Connie and Sari to not let me drop out ever again, no matter how depressed I get. For the longest time since I started again in January, I thought it was just Mondays and Wednesdays in the morning and at night. I found out it was in the evening on Mondays through Thursdays. When I started the night classes, I often feel left out when I get stuck without a partner. I managed to suck it up though. I just end up looking at everyone around me obsessively to make sure I’m doing everything right. Everyone in there looks amazing and I want to look amazing tooooo!

So… I made this blog to keep up with that and everything else that makes me happy because I’m tired of being depressed.